11 Myths About Bisexuality that I’m Tired of Hearing
It’s Bi month/week/day. I decided to write something. For context here’s my piece for Black Girl Dangerous last year.
One of my favorite times of the year is September 23rd aka Bi Visibility Day. As a black bisexual woman, I do get excited for Bi Visibility Day, with all the bisexuals oozing with pride on and offline. For the rest of the year, I still struggle with feeling unwelcome in LGBTQIA spaces. Often times, bisexuality feels like a taboo topic in conversations about LGBTQIA identities or the conversation is riddled with stereotypes and misconceptions, which I find exhausting to dispute. So, this list came about because I am tired of hashing and rehashing the many myths and stereotypes about bisexuality with family, friends, colleagues and the rest of the internet.
I’m tired of bisexuality being treated like it’s is less valid than identifying as straight or lesbian. I came to terms with my sexuality in my late teens/early twenties. In many of my interactions with folks, I’ve noticed this reluctance to truly engage with bisexuality, much less even say the word bisexual. When it comes to dating, me being bisexual often intimidates people or makes them feel like I’m their own personal sex toy. I’ve identified openly as bisexual for five years and I still have people who invalidate my sexuality. Friends will ask “so do you still date guys?” and quite frankly am tired of this bullshit. It’s 2017 and bisexual people have been around forever, yet we still face biphobia from our queer family and straight people. So I sat down and made a list, goddamit, because I’m tired of this shit. (Can you sense my anger?)
“All bisexuals are greedy” Many folks I’ve encountered seem to have this hyperbolic idea of bisexual people’s sex lives as if we all have insatiable sexual appetites and host orgies in our basement every week. Realistically speaking, the bisexual community contains an array of experiences around sex and dating.
“All bisexuals are indecisive” A lot of people both straight and in the LGBTQ community think that the bisexual identity is a placeholder label, meaning it’s not permanent or all bisexuals are in limbo of figuring themselves out. And while some of us are still figuring ourselves out, many of us are decidedly bisexual.
“Bisexuals are trans-exclusionary” For some, the “bi” prefix in bisexual means two genders, man and woman, when in fact bisexual means attraction to folks of similar or different genders. That said, many trans and gender nonconforming folks identify as bisexual, just as there are many bisexual people who date, love, and marry trans and gender nonconforming folks.
“Bisexual women aren’t really bisexual, they’re straight” This myth is one of the most popular. Often times within the LGBTQIA community, bisexual women are tasked with quantifying and qualifying our sexuality. If we haven’t slept with/dated the right amount of non-men then we’re really just doing the whole bisexual thing for attention, right?
“Bisexual men are really gay and afraid to come out” There’s this assumption that if a man likes men then he is forever tainted and could never experience attraction to any other group. Bisexual men are valid and they exist.
“Bisexuality is just a phase” Of course there are folks who have identified as bisexual and changed their minds. That’s the beauty of sexual fluidity. The bisexual community welcomes all folks who identify with being bi+, but let’s not act as if there are plenty of people who have been bisexual for years. I’ve had people tell me “you’re really just gay and you don’t know it yet”, not only are comments like these hurtful, but they also show presumptive attitudes around bisexuality.
“Bisexual people can’t be monogamous/Bisexual people cheat” This myth is always funny to me because no one ever says this about straight people when they cheat on their partners. Bisexual people can certainly be monogamous and faithful to their partners. That said, there are bisexual people who embrace various forms of polyamory and that’s okay too.
“Bisexual men are on the DL” No, people constantly erase bisexual men’s identity and experiences. Someone, especially a celebrity can literally say that they are attracted to folks regardless of gender and folks will clamor and speculate what they meant by that, when it’s clear as day. When a celebrity comes out as being exclusively attracted to people of the same gender, no one hesitates to find a word to describe them. I wonder why that is?
“People identify as bisexual because it’s trendy and more acceptable to the straights” Bisexuality has never been trendy. Ask any bisexual and we’ll tell you that we get hate from both straight and from our queer community. If bisexuality was truly trendy, we’d have more awareness for the alarming statistics about suicide and poor health for bisexual folks.
“Trans and gender non conforming bisexual people don’t exist” Trans folks identify as straight, gay, and *drumroll* bisexual. Prominent figures like Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera were bisexual.
“To be truly bisexual you must have the same attraction for men and women” Bisexuality exists on a spectrum and is fluid. For the most part, gender doesn’t impact my physical attraction to a person. There is no right way to be bisexual. My attraction to someone has more to do with how they make me feel and how they treat me as a person.
If you’re bisexual reading this, know that you’ll feel alone at times because of your identity, but please understand that you’re valid and you matter. The bisexual community embraces you whether you’re loud and proud or not. Your identity is important and valid. So on this Bi Visibility Day, feel free to be as loud and proud as you want, wear your pink and blue colors, or donate money to bisexual centered organizations like the Bi Resource Center or Bi Women of Color. However you show you’re bi pride, know that there are folks out in the world ready to support you.
Originally posted on wordpress.com Sept. 25th, 2017.